Marriage? It's complicated?

The other night, my wife and I went to see the movie It’s Complicated with Meryl Streep, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. As a relationship coach, I enjoy thought provoking movies, and my wife likes to laugh, plus I didn’t have 3 hours to devote to Avatar. To my surprise the movie satisfied both of us. The plot of the movie, was about a divorcee, Meryl Streep’s character, trying to re-establish her life now that her kids were out of the house, while her ex-husband, Baldwin, was trying to make sense of his identity while married to a women 20 years his junior.
As Streep and Baldwin dined in New York to celebrate their son’s college graduation, they reminisced about old times and why things went awry. As their conversations including laughter, dancing and drinking. It led to another type of reconnection, sex.

When they both returned home, they continued to enjoy their unattached lovemaking. At one point basking in the afterglow of an early morning of sexing, Alec turns to Meryl and I am paraphrasing, “You know this is great, we don’t have to worry about the stuff that derailed our marriage in the first place.”

There is of course more twists in the movie, but I am going to focus on how our marriages get derailed. As a relationship coach, I see very often how STUFF, some simple, some complicated can get in our own way of enjoying the person we have dedicated to love and cherish for a lifetime.

My first tip is to know your partners top 5 needs. According to Dr. Willard Harley, each person has basically 5 top emotional needs. An emotional need is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration.

Early on in marriage, you can almost maintain it, on the sex, spontaneity and new adventures alone. Over time it will begin to struggle if you don’t plug into your spouses needs. This is what happened to me early on because when my wife didn’t respond the way I expected during conflicts, or important marital discussions, it left me often confused and angry. Now as we enter our 13th year of marriage, I can say that we are in tune to each other’s basic needs.

As we embark on a new decade, I challenge you to dedicate to Striving in your marriage/relationships. Really listen to your partner, and study what their basic needs are. If you aren’t sure, take some time out to ask over a nice dinner or coffee and dessert. You may be surprised at the answers you get, but it will allow you to put in those love deposits that will help keep a marriage from becoming, complicated.

As the President and Founder of Strive 2 Succeed, I am thankful for this opportunity to share some simple proactive tips that can shape your marriage the way that is best for you and your spouse. At some point during our blogging journey, I hope to get a chance to address your questions, but if you need a makeover right away, you can contact me via e-mail at www.strive2succeed@comcast.net or on my Facebook page- Strive 2 Succeed in Marriage.