Ladies..Watch out for the Beta Man

Last week as I was finishing up part #2 of my blog on Family Mission statements; I heard a newstory about husbands on NPR. I realized that there was a new nickname out there for men that make less money than their wives and it pertained to me. Alpha Wives, guess what I’m a Beta man, and you might be married to one too. You what might be shocked that I am ok with it, so you better get with the program.
How did this come about, you may ask? You may wonder why, we as Beta Men don’t have the drive, the motivation to make as much money as possible to support our families? I made the decision years ago before the term beta man or the fact that I have a “suga mama” ever came about. I was searching for meaning, a reason to support my community with the gifts I had been given.

According to the Pew Research Foundation, more men are stay at home dads, or make considerably less than their wives. To be honest, a Beta Man almost sounds like a superhero name, but as I was reading several articles, Alpha wives aren't seeing the Herculean effort in the home.

You may wonder as an intelligent black man and your husbands don't have the salary that is close your income. Personally, I wasn’t feeling in corporate America. I didn’t have a mentor to put me on the fastrack, nor did I have a mentee. In short, it just wasn’t me. In the non-profit arena, I elected to be more in hands-on with young people instead of working on the administrative side.

Men decide to stay at home or take a less paying job because they want to be a different kind of father. One that nurtures and is present for their children., instead of a dad that is absent due to work related functions and the corporate game playing in order to get ahead.

Wives have a hard time understanding this and may even cause derision in the marriage. According to an article in the New Yorker “Alpha Women, Beta Men,” intimacy or relationships can be strained if the wife feels the relationship becomes parental and or less admirable.

I remember years ago when I told Priscilla, my wife of 3 years at the time I was leaving corporate America to start a non-profit organization. Over the next ten years, my altruistic nature has evolved from academic coach, abstinence educator until I found my entrepreneurial niche as a relationship coach.

Meanwhile, we have maintained our intimacy and love for each other adding two more kids and a dog to the family. How did this work? How were we able to maintain our relationship, with our shifting roles and responsibilities?

If you are going through this type of transition or this is the current state of your marriage, several things or changes needed to be put in place to maintain a sense a normalcy. When I speak to couples that are dealing with this issue I ask them to take a step back by asking these questions?

• How has this change of roles impacted how you see your husband/wife.
• To the wives I ask, Are there additional responsibilities your husband needs to take on in order for your relationship to feel equitable?
• To the husband I ask, what feedback do you get, or how do you feel when you have an opinion on how to make the family better?
• Do you praise your spouse for her role as the provider or nurturer? Because you would want the same acknowledgement if it was the other way around.

As a relationship coach for Strive 2 Succeed Coaching Services, these tips can go a long way to understanding the Alpha Wife and the Beta Man. Feel free to hit me up at www.strive2succeed@comcast.net if you have a tip on how you deal with this issue, or you need clarity on how to get past the change in roles.