It's not just about Doritos, it's about being a Family.

This past weekend I was the Super Bowl. As I watched the New Orleans Saints bring joy back into that city since Hurricane Katrina I saw two things that made me think about blended families, a Doritos commercial ad and the movie “The Tooth Fairy.” In previous posts, I focused on family mission statements and this topic would fit nicely if you have this type of family.

In both instances the men were vying for the affection of the women, but received a chilly resistance from their sons. In the movie, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was put through the paces of making sure he developed a relationship with the teenage boy, and in the Doritos commercial, the man was met with outright resistance, even violence for looking at his mother in a sexual way (now that’s another topic for another day). In the case of the movie, Johnson was hesitant to start a relationship due all that’s at stake. Men tend to tread lightly when getting involved with kids that aren’t their own. They either fear starting a relationship they know won’t finish, not having any say so in disciplining the kids, or of becoming too attached and losing not only the relationship, but he father- figure role as well.

So if you are in a blended a family situation or you are engaged and about to be in a blended family, here are some tips you may consider for a smooth transition.

The California Association for Marriage Family Therapists suggests the following steps:

· Have realistic expectations: Approach changes in the family structure with a positive attitude, but do not assume that the transition is going to be easy. Adults need to be especially patient with children during times of transition as adjustment is sometimes more difficult for younger family members.

· Strengthen the couple relationship: It is imperative that all children see both adults as a united front. Conflict in the couple relationship can cause insecurity in children or encourage strong-willed kids to attempt conquer-and-divide tactics. Further, a lack of unity among adults in the blended family can often cause a parent to feel “in the middle” of the general child/step-parent conflict.

· Recognize that children are members of two households: Imagine feeling like you lived in two places, and just as you got settled in one place, it was time to go live at the next (whether for a few weeks, days or hours). While joint physical custody agreements can have many benefits for children, they can also be stressful at times. Further, adjusting to a new life in two homes instead of one may cause the adjustment period for children to take a little longer.

· Develop new roles: Seek everyone’s input on chores and family expectations. Communicate that change is safe and an opportunity for creativity.

· Find the right therapist: Because blending families can be very complicated, many families at some point seek the assistance of a trained family therapist. Family therapists can act as a neutral party in ensuring that everyone’s needs get met.

In a previous blog, I spoke about creating a family mission statement, and this is a perfect time to incorporate one. By including all family members in the process, you empower the children to get excited about the new journey they will embark on as a family.

If you need help in jumpstarting your new blended family, feel free to contact me, Keith Dent, Certified Relationship Coach at strive2succeed@comcast.net..